Piper Jean Arnst

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Thursday, April 29, 2010

decisions...

I (ewww....bad pun! not intended!) labored over the decisions of delivering our second child. Ever since I was told that Kade was going to be delivered cesarean, I wondered why my body wouldn't work the way God intended it to. What did I do wrong and what more should I have done. Working through my master's degree in special education at the time of both of my children has always brought my prenatal care to a elevated level of awareness. Many times to a point I wasn't trusting God the way I knew I should be... FEAR. After Kade's birth, I was aware that our next child could be delivered VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). I switched to a dr. that actually was willing to attempt a VBAC as many dr's are against even trying and we started our monthly and weekly visits. Another friend successfully delivered VBAC and so I was sure that I too could do this. Unfortunately, the dr was telling me on repeated visits that she didn't see this as a great possibility. I shrugged her off thinking she didn't know me and my determinedness! She wasn't there for the birth of my first child and I'm sure that given the chance, Kade didn't have to be cesarean either, I just didn't know better at that time. I started to arm myself with information and was sure that the statistics really pointed in my favor and that it was mind over matter and I was so positive that I could do this.
I was even outraged at my 39 week checkup when my dr told me that she wanted to schedule me to come in for my cesarean. I thought that we were going to give it a try! 39 weeks is not a try! After my outrage died down the flood of emotions washed over me with tears. I was so sure that I could do this! What? Why? No! We would wait it out as long as we could. We just have to give it time... right? At 40 weeks I was scheduled. The dr said it was because of scheduling that we had to go ahead and so at the end of the week I was to have our second child by cesarean. But it could still happen right? I could still go into labor and everything would be fine?
I didn't feel this was right. I just needed more time! After talking with another friend, I was all ready to call my dr and cancel the scheduled surgury. I didn't need surgury I was having a baby. I talked with my mom who I know would advocate for a mother who trusts her instincts! I was after all a mother who was well informed and was sure of herself. But if I was so sure what was holding me back? Why hadn't I been able to resist scheduling or asked more questions or done more? Now I don't know which way is up. I'm even more of an emotional train wreck because I just keep hearing that I am the only one who really knows and can make this decision. I found a dr that would give me the best possibility for a vbac, and upon recommendations of many friends that also have seen her or do continue to see her, I have put myself in the care of a dr that now says it is time. I don't get any medals for putting up a fight and I don't win any awards for trying me best to do it the way others do. I am trusting that God is in control of our family and no matter what happens, He knows the outcomes of every decision. As much as I am still releasing my grip on what I wanted, I am reaching out to regrip my Father's hands as HE holds me tightly in the center of His hands. While still praying for that miracle that could happen at any time, I am now refocused on resting in His will for our lives.

To God be the glory....